Casual musings from one woman to the world

Regrets

I have a lot of regrets, as I imagine a lot of people do.  I regret not taking college seriously because I would really like to have my BA completed (although I dispute the necessity of a college degree but that is an entirely different conversation).  I regret not being serious about taking care of myself earlier on in life – just committing to losing weight and getting to the place I want to be, rather than struggle year after year with the same issues.  I also regret the way I treat those that I love sometimes.  These regrets in particular bother me, because our time with each other is fleeting and every minute with someone you care about could be your last.

This last and final regret always surfaces after I spend time with my parents.  When we are under one roof, during a visit to their house or when they come to visit my husband and I, there is always at least one occasion during those few short days that they annoy the hell out of me.  As bad as that may sound, I can’t help it.  It might happen because we don’t spend a lot of time physically with each other anymore so when the concentrated visit happens, it can be overwhelming.  And this doesn’t just happen with my parents, it happens with my husband’s parents at times too.  When you are incredibly independent by nature, plus you have lived apart from your parents for a considerable amount of time, having 24/7 interaction for multiple days in a row can be heavy to say the least.  And I am sure they would say the same about me because I can be difficult as well.

During our visits, there is normally one spat of bickering, arguing, and/or crying, followed by realizing the confrontation is a waste of time and then the inevitable reconciliation.  As I write that, I realize that it sounds kind of crazy and unstable.  But that’s us.  Or maybe that’s me.  I think the honest truth is that I can only handle small doses of them.  This might be true of all people with their parents but I do feel badly actually vocalizing it.

My mom is on her way to our local airport as I write this.  About thirty minutes after she left our house this morning, I started thinking of regrets.  I regret wasting any of our precious time together because it is a rarity.  None of us are getting any younger and every time I see either of my parents could be the last.  It’s the same for anyone you love.  My husband is at work this morning and there is a chance he doesn’t come home tonight.  When you watch the evening news, there are plenty of husbands that don’t make it home at night – our volatile world takes lives every day at the hands of violence and unfortunate accidents.

So although she has already left, and our time together was wonderful overall, I decided to write about regrets because the only way you can change things is by recognizing them.  I can’t change the way I feel or how frustrated I get, I know that.  But I can change the way I react to situations.  So maybe, just maybe, the next time we are together and my parents annoy the hell out of me, I will try to react more calmly and maturely.  After all, I am them and they are me and none of this would have been possible without them.  I love you mom ♥

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