What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? My first 34 years are behind me and I can’t take back any of the things I have done. I haven’t done anything wrong in those years but all of the time is gone. Since I don’t know how many more years I have left, how do I know what kind of time frame I have to accomplish my unknown tasks? I have just under a hundred directions I want to go and just as many careers I want to pursue. Hugo and I have tons of places we intend to visit, the majority of which I would run off to right now if work didn’t get in the way. I wish someone could tell you where to go and what to do with your life. As if there was a perfect answer to the scrolling questions and unfinished sentences in my head. As if a script was already written, you were handed a guidebook along with a bag of survival tools, and you embarked on the path. As bland as that may sound, it might be easier at times than having to navigate in the dark on your own. Are you right where you should be or should you take a drastic risk and it will prove successful? Of course the main fear we all have is that it won’t work out and I will find myself disappointed in failure and angry with poor decisions.
All of those thoughts stem from my recent internal battle over what direction to go with my life. It isn’t a true mid-life crisis because, Spaghetti Monster willing (please comment if you get that reference rather than the typical ‘God willing’ phrase), I have well more than roughly thirty more years left on this planet. Maybe 30 years left on Earth and another thirty on Mars? Just kidding. I am simply hoping for another sixty healthy years with Hugo by my side.
My recent thoughts originate from a few levels – my frustration with my current career, the thought of so many of my interests not being explored, and the feeling that every day I go to work doing what I am currently doing, I feel as if my days could be much more satisfying to me if I could throw myself into one of my many entrepreneurial interests. There really isn’t any way of knowing if I never take the leap to make a change. But gosh that is scary.
For now, I will just keep sitting here and plotting my next moves. Day dreaming about the bakery I want to open, the real estate endeavors I want to take, and the endless business ventures I want to cannonball into like a teenager at the edge of a rocky edge in a sweltering summer day. In fact, it is quite hot outside on this particular Sunday afternoon so maybe a cannonball would be appropriate right now.
Writer’s Note: I haven’t shared this blog with anyone in my family, other than my husband, mother and father. Apparently my parents thought that the point of all this was for me to express myself, pose rhetorical questions, and share my deepest, darkest thoughts…and then THEY would reply with tips and suggestions on how to fix it. I understand that this is the natural parental response because they care about and love me HOWEVER, that is most definitely not the intention. I assured my mother on the phone today that I didn’t go through the effort of writing so that I could inform them of my feelings by way of a daily post. If I get one more email from them that includes “Dad found you some nail-biting solutions on Google”, I might have to take extreme measures (dare I say Mom and Dad get blocked?!). Love you both very much ♥